It's weird being on an island with no direct way (besides via air) to see people. When I was on the mainland, it seemed so feasible for friends and family to come visit, and it seemed as if I talked to them more frequently.
After coming home and leaving to Hawaii, a lot of feelings and emotions started to mix. I realized my family will always be the same towards me no matter how long I leave, and I'm grateful for them and their involvement in my life. They never let me down, and I don't always have to find excuses for their actions because they are almost always appropriate. It's easy for them because I lived with them: our habits are similar, our relationship is mutual. Things work well.
Now the questionable part: friends (why do I always seem to have problems with my friends?). I know it's a dual relationship, that they should put forth the same amount of effort I put forth, and with some friends, it's fine and things are just where we left off the last time we talked. For some of you, you're lucky if you're in that boat, because I become the "Default Friend" you can always call/depend on and I won't question where the hell you've been for the past 8 months. Good for you guys! *pat pat*
I think the level of friendship I need during all this traveling is consistent contact. Check-ups, if you like. I want to know about how you are, what you're up to, and if everything is alright. I want to hear your voice. I want to be heard. There is a level of maintenance in this level of friendship, and frankly most everyone falls in this category: once the close friend, once the best friend, once the lover, etc etc. All of you fall under this category, and it's sad that I get calls and FB posts from people I rarely ever talk to! I've made close friends from Utah that I never talked much with and they care more about what's going on with me than my weekly coffee grind, the nightly hangout crew, and the love.
Wow, love. The L word is something I hadn't dare say in awhile, in a few months, really. It was starting to become normal, not saying it daily. My feelings were starting to become suppressed, my head was in the clear, things were good. Going back home, it threw me for a loop. I was almost forced to confess. And confess I did. Not because I said it just to say it, but because I felt it. This realization was so strong I cried later that day. I cried because what I want for myself isn't what my heart was feeling. So I shut my heart up and went out for a drink.
It's extremely hard to shut out your feelings. Once you spend a whole weekend with this person you thought nothing but the world of and then leave, only to feel broken again (and on top of that, not know anyone in your new city). It was hard, but not painful. What was painful was that confession apparently meant nothing. I didn't get contacted at all. Sure, I made a phone call or two, but nothing from the other end. No texts, calls, FB posts/messages. I think I got an email, replied, and didn't get a response back. I can't be sure anymore.
The truth is I know, I just know this is bad for me. Why did I let my thoughts get ahead of me? I thought things would be fine. Maybe long distance again now that we've defeated this chapter? Maybe a new self-realization? Honestly, don't expect anything because you'll be disappointed. It's like watching a movie with the highest of expectations because critics gave it 5 stars and you couldn't even stand to finish it because it didn't blow your mind (okay, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea).
The point is, I feel like I've been used. Like a "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" kind of feeling. I'm forced to put my feelings aside this time, and not by my own preferences! Because I'm forced to.
I feel like I'd be better off just not caring. Indeed, starting from now, I shall no longer care. The end.
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