Bouts of Highs and Lows

Lately I've been feeling rather down... about the needle on the scale being so high.  People reinforce and help me justify why I have gained a whoppin' 17 pounds at my peak (from when I left Utah), but really, to gain that much weight in 6 months?  You've got to be kidding me.

I had a dream last night that scared the shit out of me.  I was swelling up like a balloon, all my adipose tissue was expanding exponentially, like fast forwarding hyperlipidemia.  My skin was smooth and shiny, and I started getting stretch marks everywhere.  It was terrifying.  I woke up with a horrible feeling that I looked unattractive, and it made me feel weak and sad.

I don't think I'm shallow for caring about my looks, but I do find it important for me to look good first and foremost for myself, then for my significant other, then for everyone else.  I tell myself it's about nutrition, health, and fitness, which is really just a great excuse to eat healthy (or really, to turn down nasty food), but I think I'd be lying if I didn't admit it was for how I look & feel.  I feel disgusting when I wear my cute dresses, tight tank tops, or short shorts.  I don't feel confident in them and tend to hide my body.  Embarrassed, ashamed, and anything that falls under that category (a low).

I guess my metabolism has decided to call it quits.  I just have to slowly re-teach myself how to control my food intake... something I've never had a problem with.  Being an athlete has allowed me to eat whatever I want, and now it's almost tooth and nail to get myself to workout most days and stop eating before I finish the entire ______!  (okay, I may be at an all-time-low)

Saul is definitely help with motivating me to stay active and eat healthy, somewhat holding me accountable because I'll feel guilty if I ate a tub of ice cream or get fries with my burger.  Yet, I find I'm comparing myself to him.  I know, I know!  He's a guy!  I can't even begin to compare, but I do.  Maybe it's a habit of relationships I really need to get out of.  This mindset is causing me more harm than good... and when I really think about it, I probably eat 1.5x more than he does... just saying.

I'm starting to take the initiative and am already down 4 pounds since my craze (a high) of exercise for the past couple of weeks:

Hawaii Urban Training (HUT) 3x/week
Line dancing 1x/week
Swimming 2x/week
Ecstatic dance 1x/week
Hula 1x/week
Outdoor excursions every weekend

^ all the above was extremely exhausting, yet I woke up every morning like I hadn't slept a wink (a low).  Day by day, I was more tired.  Maybe my body was going into shock, but I'm sure I could handle it.

I began a food journal which is helping a little, but I think there's something wrong.  :(  Maybe I should set up an appointment with my PCP when I get home in September...

I think my biggest problems are twofold:

1. Portion sizes/control
2. Drinking H20

Possibly a reminder of how I was vs who I am right now will be good reminders of my goal.  My immediate goal is to look good in my swimsuit for the Undie Run in Salt Lake on September 22!!!  (a high)  Margaret and I will be doing a 100 superstar sit up challenge everyday... texting each other after accomplishing our goal.  I need social support!!! (a high)

Now

Then

BIG difference... *pun intended ahem*

Wish me luck!  I've still got 24 pounds to get back to that weight (my long term goal)!  (OMG, is it really a 24 lb difference?!)