Case of the Blues- Final Days in Hilo

If you were to ask me how my day was today (or, if you're from the market, you'd say Glad to see you're okay), I would have a hard time returning a smile. Today was an emotional day.  It began with deep conversation that made me question if indeed I was purely superficial with no capability of profound thinking.  I'm a simple, take things at face value, logical type of person.  Rarely am I philosophical, complex, or have hidden meanings in what I say.

Work started off with the boss reprimanding a few of us for "chit chatting" too much and distracting others from doing work.  The work we produce is good, our productivity is good, so what's the problem?  We get our jobs done and we do it right.  We're fast, efficient and take on the majority of the work in the department.  What's wrong with having a little fun?  Some co-workers are just too sensitive.

You can see the start of the day made for an emotional roller coaster.  Co-workers in other departments and units kept asking me when my last day was and up until today I was excited for the new chapter.  Now I feel sad and somewhat guilty for leaving these great people (although the lecture this morning made me want to throw in the towel... just saying.  We are professionals and the work is good. What is your problem???)

Then we had a team meeting. As a creature of habit, I may have to be reminded a few times of a silly menial request, such as never having your phone out when at work.  Okay, I have been caught a few times, but it was for work purposes... not that it matters.  No one really cares if it's related to work or not. You break the rules, you get scolded like a bunch of children.  It's fine we can't use phones during work, but just remind me once (really, I only had it out once) and I'll take care of it.

I had to change my entire routine of documentation at work.  On the 2nd to last week of work, I had to change it.  WTF?  How come no one told me how to do it the correct way in the first place?  Orientation was indeed helpful, but man, I felt so disorganized... so what did I do instead of "chit chat" at work?  I type up a task manager list of items each therapist needs to do after an eval, treat, or reassessment.  Gah!

Then, I looked in the mirror.  'nuf said.

The last hour of work I was on the verge of tears.  One false thought and I would have lost it.  Between the anger, sadness, loneliness and discredit, I didn't really want to keep myself together.

Driving in town, I almost died twice.  First time was a main road and a mustang crossed it just as I was pulling up to the intersection (no, I didn't have a stop sign or signal).  Near head on collision... my brakes squealed and my tires slid on the road because I slammed on the brakes so hard.  The second incident was a bunch of humungo boxes in the middle of the freeway, cars swerving left and right into oncoming traffic.  Thank god I swerved right, toward the shoulder, even though it was the smaller space.

In the end, I decided to give myself some therapy:

- Chocolate from Saul (without it at the last hour of work, I would have busted a wall... or my hand).

- Some C20 electrolytes and rehydration

- Honolii watching the calm waves and surfers

- Finding treasures in Hawaii

- Charcoal mask to draw out impurities

I also forced myself to go out to dinner with friends (traveling therapists) and was glad I did... although, I didn't know chicken flautas were deep fried.  :(  Live (with a stomach ache) and learn I guess.

Then I thought it would be good to bring food to Saul... sometimes I get my hopes up that he will always make time for me, even if it's 1 minute.  I think I got 10 seconds... Discouraging, but I understand he's working and it was bad timing.  :\

This last week in Hawaii is gonna be tough.  Can I just skip it and hide in my hermit shell?  8|

Update

I decided to turn this day into a day to help myself grow.  Spin it 180~

• I got to spend my morning with my gorgeous man who made me huevos rancheros for breakfast <3 li="">
• I ate spaghetti squash for lunch, having made it last night and it tastes soooo good
• No snacking at work, despite how I felt
• Drinking plenty of fluids, however still feeling bloated
• Listening to positive encouragement on the radio (awkward, but starting to dig it)
• Need to find a deeper meaning to my own enlightenment or spirituality (still confused about this topic, but will look into it further)
• Tried a lilikoi margarita <3 li="">
• Got to feed Saul at work
• Getting to bed at 11 for work bright and early tomorrow

See?  Can't I be positive and uplifting without being spiritual?  :P