It's a mixture of physical and emotional exhaustion. Physically, I'm trying to push my body into shape, often overdoing it and have now (twice) pushed myself into overkill with fevers and headaches and sickness. I have a tendency to do this, ever since high school. I push myself to the very limit, squeezing in as much as I can in a day to accomplish more. Then, when it comes time for a break, my body shuts down and gives me the middle finger. Thanks...
Emotionally, I was a hot mess last night. It was instigated by a Taiwanese drama I was watching (Substitute Princess, otherwise known as Princess Stand In) before going to bed super late. I just kept thinking about life and what the purpose is. I often ponder this question (as I have no religious belonging) but this time it was an extreme emotional low. Never have I felt this way grossly about my future. Sure, I hit an all-time low during a week-long breakup (resulting in the loss of 25 lbs in a week, dry eyes and very little will to fight on, but I made it), but this is personal. Why do we do things we don't want to do? Why wake up tired just to work? Why stress yourself to make a paycheck? What is the money good for- to buy things? Materials? Why workout the body when it's so difficult? It sucks having to sweat, be sore for days and feel like you're unable to breathe. But is it worth the short shorts and the crop top? Why not just be comfortable and do what you want to do? What is the point of all this work?
I have to say, I have the best friend in the world to be a sounding board for listening to me last night. How suicidal I must have sounded. There are no right answers to those questions; everyone has their own reasons. My "reason" came as an epiphany after I released all my thoughts and emotions.
I haven't had a personal love in a long while (which, if any of you know me well, is very uncharacteristic of me) and I think my reaction/flood of tears was a way to release this pent up feeling I haven't felt in a long time. I don't think I've ever been challenged so much in the realm of personal relationships as I have now. We'll see if I make it to 30 in one piece.
When I put love in this equation, everything all seems worth it. All those questions I asked seem to have meaning. Why is that?
Now I know why I workout: it feels good to be confident and comfortable in your own skin, and therefore I strive for it. I know why I work: to have passion and purposeful activities that give meaning to my being. It may not always be what I want right at the moment, but it's a good overall purpose for this chapter in my life. And (I won't even deny this), I want to show my best self all the time, for my family, my friends, and my future somebody who I may or may not already know.
1. Being a master of my environment. It sucks starting over every. single. time. A new city has so much to offer, but as creatures of habit, I like to know where to get my haircut. Or where to find my usual peeps. Or house parties. Or comfort food. I also don't have a strong network. Networking is a forte and I haven't thoroughly utilized that skill to the full potential since traveling... all because it takes time and exchange of services to build. As a travel, I literally have nothing to offer. I don't have a CPA that I can refer you to, I don't have events for you to promo yourself at... zilch. How am I suppose to meet new people (or get boyfriends lol) when I don't have networks?!
2. Party planning. Oh how I miss extravagant parties! From sunhats, to ball gowns, to exclusive invitations, I miss aaaaaaaaaall that.
3. Personal kitchen. As y'all know, I love to cook. There's something to be said about having a double broiler and ingredients for baking goods. I recently visited a friend who is a master of her kitchen and she has everything I would ever need in a kitchen (plus more). It. was. bliss. I can't just buy a bag of flour and expect to use it in 3 months. It's just impossible. I can't carry around a crockpot in my back-seat, it takes up wayyyyy too much space.
4. Swimming pool. GOD how I miss swimming. It's warm here, there are tons of pools... but no public pools.
5. Fashion scene. Sorry Fresno, you're definitely not up there. It doesn't help that I can't buy clothes because I can't pack it all away every 3 months...
6. Interior decor. I want to snuggle up in an oversized arm chair as I sip on some tea. I want to put stuff up on my walls (but they're not my walls!). I want to arrange my environment to be as efficient as possible, ergonomic to my size, etc.
Wow, I sound so needy...
7. Big toys. Bikes, boards, tents...
8. Shopping deals. I know, I'm suuuper cheap when it comes to spending, and I love having my go-to places for shopping... why spend a lot when you can save and get the same thing?
9. My craft room. Bah, I have no words for this. I haven't done anything crafty in forever.
10. Music spots. Where are my EDM performing artists? Back home we would have 1-3 artists a week. Admission? Dirt cheap.
These are my luxuries in life that have been on hold. I can't wait to settle down and get back to them. These next few years are going to be interesting.
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