Grieving Afterthoughts

No, nobody recently died.  I've been reading this book where people recently experience death of a loved one and their feelings during the aftermath.  Thoughts can be fleeting, and dreams can be even crazier.  I've been having a lot of weird and crazy dreams lately, making me thankful I don't remember my dreams most days.

In today's edition, the thoughts of defeat, helplessness and death/dying have lead to a dream where I'm on a boat in a lake.  The day is bright and hot, the water is freezing cold and muddy, so murky nothing is visible.  We are all on the boat, sunbathing, relaxing, having a great time.  I don't know anybody but one man, and he's smiling and laughing the smile reaches his eyes.  I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and happiness when he smiles, it puts me at ease.  We're all in our swimsuits, ready for adventure.

The next thing I see is us swimming out in the of the murky lake.  I'm following him out further and further from the boat, unable to see, let alone reach, the bottom of the lake- who knows how deep this lake is.  It's freezing and I am moving barely enough to keep warm.

The next scene I see is of pure panic.  I'm holding my breath, reaching down through the murky water with open eyes, searching.  Waving my arm back and forth to feel something, anything.  When I brush flesh, my hand comes in contact with another hand, binding like the pieces of a puzzle.  At this point, I'm both relieved and afraid.  Relieved to have found his hand, afraid to drown.  The force of his hand is pulling me deeper, as evidenced by the pressure in my ears.  I quickly turn around and kick as hard as I can, never letting go of his hand.  I kick harder and harder, losing more air with each increasing effort against the stronger pull of his hand.  Still underwater, fighting to reach the surface, the hand becomes lighter.  The pull against me is no longer.  I turn around to look at him, and I see Tommy's face, surrounded by water, eyes closed, jaw relaxed, hair waving in the water.  His body is totally limp.  No bubbles.  Lifeless.  I try to scream, or cry, or something, but nothing comes out.  I'm left with a mixed feeling of devastation, guilt and blame.

What an intense feeling.  I wonder what's prompting all the recollection of dreams...