Smoke Signals

After a relaxing day at grandma's, I took a nice long shower and called it a day earlier than I normally would so I could wake up to catch the sunrise at 6:20.  Unfortunately, I woke up a bit earlier than I had hoped, not for natural reasons, but I had this bad dream that woke me up, livid.  I literally had a physical response to this dream, as demonstrated by my heavy breathing and my tightened grip.

You know as soon as you wake up the details of the dreams start fading away, so I'm going to "vent" what I remember.  I remember talking to Brian at the new home, being the cool kid he plays sometimes.  I got up to walk to the kitchen and he slips outside.  I follow him to find him in the corner of the backyard, smoking a cigarette.

I automatically got worked up.  SO worked up.  Fuming.  I had an entire dream where I chewed someone out.  I remember almost every phrase, saying it so fast I didn't even take time to breathe in between sentences.

What the hell do you think you're doing? What is THIS? When did you start becoming so weak you depended on this stick of poison?  Nothing in this world is stressful enough to drive you to smoke.  Do you want to be one of my patients who, at the age of 60, feels like they're dying inside while they're still moving?  Do you want to wear a plastic oxygen cannula and carry a 15 pound tank everywhere you go?  Do you want to feel like you're helpless and can't physically get anywhere because you don't have the stamina or the energy due to lack of oxygen to your brain and muscles?  That's what I thought.

I take the poison out of his hand, resisting the urge to throw it at him because I'm so fucking mad.  I throw it on the ground and smush it with too much force needed to put out a cigarette.  Brian said nothing this entire dream, showing only the expression of shock that told me everything he was feeling.

I sat straight up when I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning, sweating and throwing off the blanket.  After a swig of water and analysis of my dream, I don't understand why I thought of my bepu and instantly felt sad to the point where I have to hold back the tears that are about to fall.