Stresses and Weaknesses

Sometimes at the end of the week you just need to take a moment for yourself to unwind. Take your worries, problems and negative energy and with a deep breath, exhale and release it all. It gives you clarity and a fresh slate to selectively choose your priorities and develop strategies to tackle your stresses.

For me, I'm inhaling the ocean air and exhale all the buildup from the week. I recharge with every deep breath as the distress melts away. After clearing my head, I feel empowered to be proactive about my life. Let's see what happens next, shall we?

Lately I've been binging. I can normally control myself, even when I have visitors or friends. Yet, why am I acting out this way? After my walk on the beach, I began to delve into what deeper meaning my body is telling me. Why I excessively eat, why I break out into tears easily, why I trust no one at the moment with my emotions.

I've noticed I handle distress poorly, so I try not to stress about anything excessively. Yet, its even more difficult to manage stress when it comes from an external source. How can I do this without a strong social support? To me, definitive meanings of strong include time, proximity, communication and loyalty. I feel as if the only thing going for any of my relationships is loyalty, which says I only feel supported by then 25%. How can I stay strong when my supports are weak? I feel as though I am becoming my worst nightmare. Weak. Depressed. Lazy. Uncontrollable. Messy.

I think maybe moving back home will help me get back on my feet. Establish my routine. Go to my gym. Eat my favorite things. Do what I love. Be with people who want my company. Laugh with those who don't judge me. Love.

How can I love properly when the person I love is so far away? We have no time for each other anymore. I've noticed it this week as we began our different schedules. I know when I get busy I do the same, but why do I need more? Its making me question a lot of things I thought our relationship was and now it isn't.

I feel as if I've reached a ceiling with my career. As if I am stuck and don't know how to complete the next level. Yet, there is so much more I can do to become a better clinician.

Its really hard to stay positive about anything when things aren't going well in my mind. Why can't I have lower standards? Why can't I just be happy with what I have and make lemonade out of lemons?

BECAUSE I ALWAYS STRIVE FOR THE BEST. I hate it. My stupid tendencies. My obsessive need to become something bigger and better for myself. When will I learn to just accept what I have is a good thing? How much do I have to hurt before I find it, if I find it at all? Who will get hurt in the process? I never want to find out, because being the best means my plan will hurt no one.

I WANT TO MAKE AN ORCHARD OUT OF THOSE FUCKING LEMONS.

gahhhhhh!!!! #stressed #frustratedwithmyself #ifeelsochildish #immature #maybeimshallow?