Rewind it Back to Who I Was

When you've been moving at 100 mph on vacation squeezing everything you possibly can in a short amount of time, you get use to the speed.

Coming back, I'm still going the same speed, only I'm getting light years ahead of everyone else because they're at the rhythmic tempo of Utah.

Both are good tempos, but I like this high-speed train.  It has given me so much time to think about what has been going on and another self-realization.

In nature, and for all my life, I've been this upbeat person who has the world at her fingertips.  Always smiling, friendly, and a "go-getter."  Yet, something in me turns off when I put myself into a relationship.  Every relationship I've been in, I now notice a trend.  The only difference is, no one ever thought there was something wrong/ told me what was happening.  I never really realized it until now.

When I always have someone there, I become dependent.  I want to depend on someone; someone who I can share my life with.  Yet, when I do, I become less and less of me and more of a shell- an empty person.  It's really hard to explain, but I don't find social satisfaction out of anything except for just spending time with that special someone, even if it's just sitting there.

I become this whole new person that does a 180-- no, 190-- on my interests and personality.  Bipolar?  Possibly.  The person I choose to be or strive to be somehow disappears... and it's boring, hard-headed, and frankly not easy to work with.

This was best demonstrated with frisbee yesterday.  I was missing out on so much just sitting on the sidelines! Everything is as fun as you make it- so give it all you've got.  To put things into perspective, I realized more and more I let Bryan do whatever he wanted and didn't want to steal the spotlight.  I was happy because he was happy.  I was just there to support him... no longer the person who flirts, actively participates, and openly laughing to anything and everything.  I actually started getting really harsh with my words, muted my feelings/expressions to never be overly excited, impressed, or affected by things around me.  Why do I let this happen to myself?

I didn't even know I was doing it.  I never knew this was what I would let myself fall comfortably in to.  Now, I know.  I know that my friends are with me because of who I was, and maybe they're just at the point of toleration like Bryan is.  No more.  I'm going to be conscious of what I am and what I do... but it would be nice to have someone snap me out of it once I start to slip.  Someone who is willing to pull me out of it every time until I no longer have the need/fall-back for it.  Slowly, that shell will shed and I won't have to get snapped out of it.

Shining through the black and white fades of what I let myself become

So for now, I'm back, but not in black- in electric hot pink.

Watch out.  :)